Currently I'm on permitted leave. We are slowly building towards me leaving on tuesdat so I need to get used to being alone and at home again. It's hard. It feels like everybody is mad an dissapointed in me and will leave me. I know this is irrational, I know this is my sick mind speaking, but I can't help believe it. I have not been doing great at managing my emotions, and I'm afraid of being left alone. But here we are, alone in my student appartment, trying to keep myself safe...

I was so positive yesterday, and it has all fallen into the gutter. I'm such a dramatic child who is unable to care for themselves. I feel like such a disappointment right now. I was supposed to be playing DnD with some freinds but those plans fell through and now I have to spend my evening here in the clinic alone, or with the nurses/patients, aka basically alone. A friend offered for me to come play basketball, but I know if I leave by myself things will not end well. I always have these intense mood swings, it's exhausting. I wish it would stop. Someone make it stop.

So I'm still in the psych ward, so that's that, but things are slowly getting better. I need to keep reminding myself that progress isn't linear. I've had a couple of setbacks and I need to keep reminding myself that that's okay and that I will get back on my feet. We have a plan to work towards me going home on next tuesday, for real this time. I will be going home a couple times, once with an overnight stay, but I keep coming back to the clinic until tuesday. Then I will be officially set free. (Insert the Lynyrd Skynyrd Free Bird solo) The main issue I keep having is being scared of feeling my emotions and then it builds up and I explode, sometimes resorting to self destructive behaviours. I need to gain the confidence in my own self that I can handle feeling my feelings and that even if I do have a setback that that's okay. Psychology is so confusing sometimes. I know that I need to learn to do that and I am actively working in it, and yet it feels like I'm walking in circles not achieving anything. If we compare my state to when I was admitted vs now I've come such a long way, but I just can't realise it unless someone mentions it.

It's my fourth day in the psych ward. I'm truly not doing my best at the moment. It feels like I'm writing into a void, which is comforting and painful at the same time. I wish to be home, to be hugged, but I'm here. And I know this is for the best. I have mentioned my stay should most likely be extended, I am only now starting to proces everything and I cannot get myself to be stable before tuesday. Leaving on tuesday is not a good idea, not at all. I'm here to get better, and currently I haven't gotten to that yet. I knew this was not going to be fun, of course not, but acting like I'm fine will only get me back here and probably not willingly next time. I need to act rational, even when I don't feel sane.